Yes, it can get lonely in a household of one.
And, yes, not all marriages are bad. But very few are so "sanctified" that there's almost no argumentation, at least of high levels, almost no disagreements on parenting issues, and, especially in today's world, how to juggle different career demands of two spouses, especially on issues like moves and relocations. And, beyond marriages, and children, the career and "sanctification" issues apply to non-marital longer-term relationships of other sorts.
I'm sure that part of why I don't handle criticism so well is I got so much of it, in different ways, from dear old dad, even though I was a second shot at an oldest son in some ways.
And, I know the reason I don't handle argumentation well, whether in an intimate relationship, other relationship, or even more casual connection, is how much of it I heard between mom and dad late at night.
It's probably kind of late to learn too much improvement in the intimate relationship side. And, as I've said before, it's "safer" being single.
Besides no worries about argumentation or yelling, there's no worried about being controlled or guilt tripped. Nor any eggshell feelings that I might be doing those things accidentally myself. And, sexuality issues aren't a worry, either. Yes, I still have hormones, but, should those hormones get satisfied again, I'd be more comfortable with them being satisfied in a less confining? tense? challenging? situation.
Add in a family disposition to anxiety (albeit not nearly as bad as Atlantic editor Scott Stossel's gut-wrenching affliction), and being single is safer.
I'd just like to get to a job/career situation, and location, where I'm ready to settle down, and get a dog. Sorry, not a cat. Beyond mild allergies to cats? They're too independent-minded, and don't have deep brown doggy eyes.
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Emotions - the iron mask, part 1
THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK PART I
I hate myself,
I tell myself at times,
But do I really?
I hate who I am,
I hate some of who I’ve become,
That much is true.
I feel a failure,
Lazy, weak, spineless, empty
A faker, to boot.
No adult inside;
Rather, a 16-year-old
Who’s not yet grown up.
And doesn’t want to be
So he says, “Leave me alone,”
Even to his ego-self.
He hates adult life;
Duties, decisions, stances,
And hates even more
Missed teenage life,
No wild oats sown, no fearless fun,
No adventurousness.
No bits of playboy
For the man in the iron mask
Of caged emotions.
Of course he’s angry
And angry beyond that, too
For all those reasons.
And now? He’s at
His emotional break point
Sans guarantees.
In the iron mask.
April 28, 2012
Monday, October 19, 2009
Some more thoughts on sex and Internet pornography
This is not just about sexual acting out... i.e., inappropriately acting sexually on actual sexual feelings. That said, it's not just "acting out" as a process addiction, either, although it certainly is that in part.
Certainly, with a new job right now, it's in part about anxiety still here, anger still at losing my old job, anger at the way my old company was managed, anger about the state of the newspaper industry, anger about not being able to get a reasonable job back in Dallas and more.
But, there's one ogther factor involved.
Beyond Jung, there probably is some legitimate study of sexual splitting as part of our repressed selves, and I've started doing a bit of that with Nathaniel Branden.
And, I started realizing, or picking up on an old past thread, of how much I envied women being women. I don't think I'm a woman trapped in a male body, nor is the envy level high enough to want reassignment surgery.
But, in a number of ways, especially coming from a conservative family and religion background that "assigned" traditional, stereotyped roles to women, I recognized that I, as a person who feared the testosterone, anger and competition of stereotyped masculinity and felt beat down by it, that, I was jealous of the "passiveness" that stereotyped women could in some ways, seemingly enjoy, while working a backdoor, quasi-assertiveness angle as well.
And, short of male violence, nowhere did that seem more true than in sexual relations. And, now, part of me wonders if I'm not jealous of the pornstars and centerfolds, or the real women cammers, working that type of assertiveness.
Certainly, with a new job right now, it's in part about anxiety still here, anger still at losing my old job, anger at the way my old company was managed, anger about the state of the newspaper industry, anger about not being able to get a reasonable job back in Dallas and more.
But, there's one ogther factor involved.
Beyond Jung, there probably is some legitimate study of sexual splitting as part of our repressed selves, and I've started doing a bit of that with Nathaniel Branden.
And, I started realizing, or picking up on an old past thread, of how much I envied women being women. I don't think I'm a woman trapped in a male body, nor is the envy level high enough to want reassignment surgery.
But, in a number of ways, especially coming from a conservative family and religion background that "assigned" traditional, stereotyped roles to women, I recognized that I, as a person who feared the testosterone, anger and competition of stereotyped masculinity and felt beat down by it, that, I was jealous of the "passiveness" that stereotyped women could in some ways, seemingly enjoy, while working a backdoor, quasi-assertiveness angle as well.
And, short of male violence, nowhere did that seem more true than in sexual relations. And, now, part of me wonders if I'm not jealous of the pornstars and centerfolds, or the real women cammers, working that type of assertiveness.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Post-alcohol, the struggles only began
Even after I quit drinking, my problems weren’t over.
Due to a variety of abuses from childhood, including family sexual abuse by older males at home, family covert sexual abuse by a female member of the family, early exposure to sexual magazines and more, while being a sensitive child and a late grower to boot, I have had a boatload of problems with sexuality.
They include sexual fears and anxieties, confusion of sex with intimacy, intimacy fears and acting out problems. Because of all the fears and anxieties, my acting out has tended to be “impersonal.” My various forms of acting out behavior have usually been Internet pornography or DVD based. (See the PTSD and me blog for someone with a very similar background, even after getting married.)\
I still struggle. Sometimes I don’t struggle, I say “fuck it” and give in. Occasionally, I am in the groove of not struggling. I usually inflame some addictive subself to get to the point of struggling, before I do eventually give in, in many cases.
It’s a way of beating myself up, while ratcheting up PTSD-based anxiety at the same time. Some fun, eh? Maybe, as many people do with alcohol, I’ll grow out of it. But, to the degree that happens that way, it’s still going to take active work on my part, as sexuality, even as much as I misplace it and fear it, does reflect a human longing and desire on my part.
Due to a variety of abuses from childhood, including family sexual abuse by older males at home, family covert sexual abuse by a female member of the family, early exposure to sexual magazines and more, while being a sensitive child and a late grower to boot, I have had a boatload of problems with sexuality.
They include sexual fears and anxieties, confusion of sex with intimacy, intimacy fears and acting out problems. Because of all the fears and anxieties, my acting out has tended to be “impersonal.” My various forms of acting out behavior have usually been Internet pornography or DVD based. (See the PTSD and me blog for someone with a very similar background, even after getting married.)\
I still struggle. Sometimes I don’t struggle, I say “fuck it” and give in. Occasionally, I am in the groove of not struggling. I usually inflame some addictive subself to get to the point of struggling, before I do eventually give in, in many cases.
It’s a way of beating myself up, while ratcheting up PTSD-based anxiety at the same time. Some fun, eh? Maybe, as many people do with alcohol, I’ll grow out of it. But, to the degree that happens that way, it’s still going to take active work on my part, as sexuality, even as much as I misplace it and fear it, does reflect a human longing and desire on my part.
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