An ebbing and flowing resentment

It's not a huge one. And, per the headline, it's not constant.

But, it is with another sobriety person.

And, while it's my response, it's that person's action, when on-again, that sets the table for me to respond as I do.

I debated earlier whether to write about it or not.

One basic idea of journaling is that, if you write something out, you get it out of mind.

On the other hand, another basic idea is that by writing something down, you make it more concrete.

But, having debated it in my mind, I'd already made it fairly concrete.

Basically, the issue is like a small pebble in a hiking boot. Just a pebble. No bigger.

It irritates you for a couple hundred yards but then, either on its own or by you wiggling your foot, it's out of the way.

For a quarter mile or so.

Then it returns. Then goes away ago.

It's not big enough to rub a blister or anything like that. You don't feel like stopping, untying, then hoisting off a boot and sweaty sock or socks.

But it's going to recur if you don't.

But, if you're patient enough, it's going to go away again.

Why can't I? ...

Why can't I make myself psychotic to escape from life?

Why can't I have, or make myself have, an amnesiac fugue state to escape?

I feel like I am "cursed by rationality."

And, yes, I have wished for both of these things before.

The amnesiac fugue state sounds better. "Wake up" in a new place, with a new persona, and upward.