A bit of rational reaction at work

OK, it's near the end of the work shift tonight, and, the one other copy editor there has spit out all four pages for Saturday's religion section, working in advance. I had proofread them, marked up corrections, and stapled a little corrections check list sheet to each one.

He made the corrections, printed out another copy of the pages for a second reading by either the news editor or assistant news editor, the person off whose personality my anxiety level, already on high, has been feeding since being here, and stapled those second pages on top of the first ones, then placed them on the table for "advance" pages. All by the book.

She, the assistant news editor, picked up these pages, noticed the checklist sheet at the back of each "first" page, looked at the un-proofed "second" page on top of each group of three sheets of paper, and asked me where my correction marks were on each page.

When I first started to answer, I could feel the anxiety in my voice, and in my self. I said that I thought I had proofread the pages, then I remembered that I had seen him print out second copies of a couple of the pages, and with a bit more calm in both my voice and my body, said so.

I don't even need an "I'm sorry, I didn't see that." A semi-legitimate, "oh, OK," or even a halfway legitimate "oh," would have been nice.

She didn't say a word, though. She just put the pages back down.

I understand more all the time the managing editor's comment on the phone, when I was considering accepting this job, and he said, "If you're here a year, I'll help you look for other jobs within our company." Maybe that's not at all behind his "if," but it feels that way.

That said, both he and the executive editor commented on my openness at the time. I'll say no more.

Anxiety rears its head at work again

OK, a work in a bit of slow time, I click a link on one of the politics blogs I read regularly. Te actual link is a PDF, not a webpage. The Acrobat window opens, then my mouse freezes. I thought, "shit," what did I do?" Especially since I had just had replaced what had appeared to be a crappy mouse a week ago.I do several restarts, and full shutdowns-cold starts. Nothing. Mouse still frozen.

I eventually mention this out loud, and the assistant news editor on whose less-than-the best side over her personality my anxiety has fed voraciously since I've been here asks, "Is it loose"?

Well,. it being a PC, I bend down, sin the tower, reach behind, jiggle the cable end, which seems secure in there, but the actual USB port seems a bit loose. Whatever, it did thetrick. So, was that the problem with the previous mouse? And, was I too anxiety-constrained to think of that with it? Or to try the jiggling with this mouse, without outside prompting? Possibly.

A little assertiveness with a search firm executive

Via e-mail, I told the journalism search firm guy that he could, in sales terms, make job hunting for me more a "win-win" if he would take into account my geographic, political and demographic considerations.

===

XXX, I wanted to touch base with you on a couple of things, in hopes that we can see this from a win-win perspective for both today and tomorrow.

First, I should have done more inner due diligence on whether I really could pull the trigger on Buffalo, Wyo., based on my priorities, earlier in the process. I’m sorry I didn’t.

Second, and starting to get at the “win-win” idea, and I know you’re a good enough salesperson to be familiar with that concept, and to even believe in it, I think, if I were going up there, and got mad, or sad, or depressed, or some combination of the above, within six months, you have a publisher not just mad at me, but mad at you as well. Ditto if, before I got that frustrated or otherwise emotionally knotted up, I left in six months at the first available opportunity.

Third, and related to that, none of the three dailies the company owns would jump off the list at me either.

Fourth, and along that line, I would prefer jobs south of XXX. Throwing out the more conservative, more “insular” and more remote parts of those territories, and looking at a minimum for a place within 90 miles or so of a town of 200,000, at a bare minimum, that still leaves half the country as possibilities of reasonable interest. And, I’m sure I’m not the only candidate in the world who has said he or she has “preferences,” and that this influences their job hunting.

Fifth, I know jobs are tight, and you probably don’t have a lot in your hopper right now. Still, though, even if it doesn’t offer as much of a salary bump as Buffalo would have done, if it’s a job that better meets my other priorities, then you have a happier camper, and a happier person that hired him, too.

I know my parent company is in Chapter 11; that’s another reason I’d like out. But, I came here in the first place because I “had” to more than wanted to. I don’t want to leave here primarily because I’m running away from something.

I appreciate you listening to this.

Steve

A bit of regret? Sure. But only a small bit. The search firm head tried to lay it on me about the money I would be missing, how my priorities were wrong, how that had influenced his company's attempts to help me in the past, etc. (I have no idea if that last part is true; the last time I had an initial interview with one of his clients, I thought it went well, and that he then tried to "force" them on their decision-making process. But, that's another story.)

He knows that, in general, I'm more OK with a smaller town, especially a more remote one, if it's either in a more liberal part of the country, or maybe, a warmer-weather one, if it's not quite so isolated. I've specifically asked him, before, if he had California jobs.

He then asked "where my aggressiveness was." I'll admit, I'm not "Mr. Type A. May never be. I'll admit I could maybe have a bit more at times.

But, overall, I don't like being guilt-tripped, OR anxiety-tripped about how the city/newspaper/company where I work now isn't so good. I don't like that and not being listened to. Especially when I don't always even listen to myself perfectly.

Jobs, anxiety, PTSD and more

Between my "fear of getting trapped" (which is itself a part of what CBT talks about as awfulizing or generalizing), and my not liking some particular things here in O-dessa, I looked at a job in Buffalo, Wyoming! A place where a fully rational me would never even think of living, and never acted to live there.

Fortunately, a nearly fully rational me, at least, is saying no to that. And, I hope, taking a few steps to boost my sanity and emotional well-being here, while working with renewed vigor on getting out of here.

The yelling? It's not quite yelling, but a certain person who has one personality when dealing with underlings and another otherwise, literally to having MPD-like multiple voices.

But, without taking this the wrong way, I have an opportunity to work on working with other ppl while still here, and either work with this person a bit more/better, or work around her more or better.

Anti-depressants beat CBT on personality change

I'm not a fan or touter of Big Pharma, nor do I denigrate talk therapy.

But, it seems that SSRI antidepressants are better than cognitive therapy in lowering neuroticism and raising extraversion in depressed people. CBT helps make changes there, too, but the changes are neither as profound nor as lasting as with medication.

This somewhat lonely, somewhat vacuous feelings

Earlier tonight, a portion of myself from within said that, in part, I haven't felt this bad since the year after I graduated divinity school rejecting following in my dad's footsteps. I lived in an old, kind of barren studio apartment.

Well, "lived" might not be the right word. "Existed" might have more accuracy. Damn, I want out of here.