Nobody cares

I had a dream, during an afternoon nap, of being at a childhood lunch or dinner table. Pre-divorce, and mom and dad both seemed halfway engaged with me and reasonable attentive. I had emotional "pressure" building up inside myself, until it burst. I said "I want to quit," repeatedly, while crying dry tears at the same time. (I presume what that statement actually means is clear.) I'm not sure what led to that dream. I do have a friend, not too too much older, facing a cancer diagnosis that is serious but not necessarily terminal. That is surely one thing. Feeling isolated, even though I shrug it off at a conscious level, is surely another. Perhaps a "surface-level" Thanksgiving time at Jason's is another. If I remember the flip side of "nobody cares" is a solitude that nobody can take away from me, I should be better. Nonetheless, this was NOT a fun dream.

I didn't kill the puppy

Well, I did, but I didn't.

It was you, dad, inside my mind.

Urging me.

And so, I was stronger than you.

I didn't tell you.

You would have gotten insanely angry at me.

In part, because I had shown myself stronger than you,

And in part, because you knew that you had caused this, over years,

And over decades.

Go look, I say, to your non-existent soul

And what imprint its non-existent self

Still has in my mind.

Find the bones, and any fur, or meat, or bits of blood,

Still left beneath the grass.

You did it.