Often, "I don't care" hides that I DO care and am worried about emotional attachment.
I may say "I don't care" if supervisors are worried about my internet usage, but really I am worried about that, and trying to hide my worry, or control anxiety levels or something.
I may say "I don't care" about my current life feeling kind of boring, but really, I do care, but feel frustrated at not being able to do more about it, or at least thinking I can't.
I may say "I don't care" about another person liking me, but really, I do care, but am not sure how I want to respond, whether it's due to old trust issues or something else.
In short, "I don't care" is a defense mechanism.
It's old. It's learned from a childhood of seeing people often either not care, or pretend to care for ulterior motives.
Caring, even about my own inner emotions, is scary.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Cliques and claques in support
I haven't written here for a while, but wanted to get some thoughts out.
My main sobriety support group is still going through some fallout over changes in the chat room, including more careful enforcement of previous chat guidelines, combined with further detailing of those guidelines in the more recent past.
Some people, a combination of a couple of people who got themselves banned for deliberately challenging the rules and others who stayed away more and more in sympathy, ultimately started their own blog and eventually embedded chat software in it. (It's not hard; heck, Yahoo Messenger lets you create temporary chat rooms.)
Since then, a few more people have been banned while some of those choosing to visit the Lifering chat have done so even less. That said, there's still sniping, and some "recruiting" by people who have left.
And, yes, that will get you banned.
It's still sad, though. And, the more this drags on, the sadder it gets.
If you've made your choice to leave Lifering, then accept it. The current convenor head and No. 2 aren't leaving any time soon.
At the same time, it's also sad to see that it still has a bit of effect on people still there. Like me. Like the No. 2, it appears. And perhaps others.
I had been thinking about writing here for a few days, but, with a new thread on Lifering's Ning page, which I decided to wade into for one, and only one, reply, I decided to go ahead here, too.
My main sobriety support group is still going through some fallout over changes in the chat room, including more careful enforcement of previous chat guidelines, combined with further detailing of those guidelines in the more recent past.
Some people, a combination of a couple of people who got themselves banned for deliberately challenging the rules and others who stayed away more and more in sympathy, ultimately started their own blog and eventually embedded chat software in it. (It's not hard; heck, Yahoo Messenger lets you create temporary chat rooms.)
Since then, a few more people have been banned while some of those choosing to visit the Lifering chat have done so even less. That said, there's still sniping, and some "recruiting" by people who have left.
And, yes, that will get you banned.
It's still sad, though. And, the more this drags on, the sadder it gets.
If you've made your choice to leave Lifering, then accept it. The current convenor head and No. 2 aren't leaving any time soon.
At the same time, it's also sad to see that it still has a bit of effect on people still there. Like me. Like the No. 2, it appears. And perhaps others.
I had been thinking about writing here for a few days, but, with a new thread on Lifering's Ning page, which I decided to wade into for one, and only one, reply, I decided to go ahead here, too.
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