Being single: The plus side

Yes, it can get lonely in a household of one.

And, yes, not all marriages are bad. But very few are so "sanctified" that there's almost no argumentation, at least of high levels, almost no disagreements on parenting issues, and, especially in today's world, how to juggle different career demands of two spouses, especially on issues like moves and relocations. And, beyond marriages, and children, the career and "sanctification" issues apply to non-marital longer-term relationships of other sorts.

I'm sure that part of why I don't handle criticism so well is I got so much of it, in different ways, from dear old dad, even though I was a second shot at an oldest son in some ways.

And, I know the reason I don't handle argumentation well, whether in an intimate relationship, other relationship, or even more casual connection, is how much of it I heard between mom and dad late at night.

It's probably kind of late to learn too much improvement in the intimate relationship side. And, as I've said before, it's "safer" being single.

Besides no worries about argumentation or yelling, there's no worried about being controlled or guilt tripped. Nor any eggshell feelings that I might be doing those things accidentally myself. And, sexuality issues aren't a worry, either. Yes, I still have hormones, but, should those hormones get satisfied again, I'd be more comfortable with them being satisfied in a less confining? tense? challenging? situation.

Add in a family disposition to anxiety (albeit not nearly as bad as Atlantic editor Scott Stossel's gut-wrenching affliction), and being single is safer.

I'd just like to get to a job/career situation, and location, where I'm ready to settle down, and get a dog. Sorry, not a cat. Beyond mild allergies to cats? They're too independent-minded, and don't have deep brown doggy eyes.

Feeling empty, feeling scared, feeling a fraud

The "fraud" part? About a month ago, a woman came in our office. A customer. Used the n-word before she left. I said nothing. Yes, it was in part shock. But, I had recovered before she walked out the door. And I said nothing.

The scared? Ad sales at the two small newspapers are struggling this month. National trade mags predict total newspaper ad sales will drop 8 percent this year. That, presumably includes allowances for election ads. And, for the few newspapers holding their own or growing because of oil boom growth or other things, a few others will thus have drops of more than 8 percent.

When the Saturday Waco paper is normally just 20 percent ads, you know it's not just me, and it's not just Loren. It's this area. But, that will be called an excuse.

Feeling empty? No, I don't feel I can talk to my district boss about this. Nor any family, for various reasons. Certainly not the other two people in the office.

This isn't meant to be playing the martyr, hand to back of head. It just is what it is.

The 50s are starting out to be a wonderful decade of aging.

I recently journaled that I sometimes feel like someone whose shit does indeed stink, and stinks very much, in relations to other people. That they know that, that I should know why, but that I'm somehow missing a clue while they're laughing at me.