Yeah, I may die alone, but so have many people with partners and even marriages.
I may enter the realm of dying without them or without kids to look out for me, but, I'm not alone there, again.
I have no attachments. No hostages to fortune.
No wading through relationships only to hit booby-traps years, even decades, later.
The sexual, emotional and physical abuse made me learn aloneness, and an acceptance, even a sometime embrace of it.
Looking back over decades, at women in whom I had some interest at times, and it didn't work out?
I'm OK with that.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Monday, September 3, 2018
Once again, the phone call isn't about me
My sister bears her own burdens in life.
And, whenever she calls, I'll usually hear plenty about them. I will even if I'm the one who calls.
I have journaled about this before, but decided to write something brief here, knowing that it's public.
I'm not talking about the details, just the fact that ... although she will get back to my issues at some point, especially if I'm the one who called, the "feeling" is that ... it will be at least 75 percent about her, if not more.
And, I can listen to the emotions, but I can't fix the issue.
And, it's issue, singular. She has two options for change, or else more fully accepting things as they are ... or else keeping herself in this current, years-long limbo.
As I have new rounds of anxiety attacks, I have fewer emotional resources of mine to offer back, anyway. That's just my reality on my end. And she knows that, somewhere, or at least partially knows that.
Basically, aside from the above, neither of us is highly emotionally available for the other right now. And, this is an area where, from others, I work on continuing to lower my expectations. And, my sister doesn't always turn a phone call to her end. And, she's helped me before when my PTSD-related anxiety has ramped higher than now.
And, whenever she calls, I'll usually hear plenty about them. I will even if I'm the one who calls.
I have journaled about this before, but decided to write something brief here, knowing that it's public.
I'm not talking about the details, just the fact that ... although she will get back to my issues at some point, especially if I'm the one who called, the "feeling" is that ... it will be at least 75 percent about her, if not more.
And, I can listen to the emotions, but I can't fix the issue.
And, it's issue, singular. She has two options for change, or else more fully accepting things as they are ... or else keeping herself in this current, years-long limbo.
As I have new rounds of anxiety attacks, I have fewer emotional resources of mine to offer back, anyway. That's just my reality on my end. And she knows that, somewhere, or at least partially knows that.
Basically, aside from the above, neither of us is highly emotionally available for the other right now. And, this is an area where, from others, I work on continuing to lower my expectations. And, my sister doesn't always turn a phone call to her end. And, she's helped me before when my PTSD-related anxiety has ramped higher than now.
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