The three of us: Two users, one used

 

Used

By two women

At the same time.

 

One, controlling,

Which I recognized

Early on

And stepped back,

Only to be insulted.

Such is the ease of email.

 

The other, with other issues,

Trying to stoke jealousy

In another man

Rather than leaving him

Or taking other actions.

 

That, I did not see immediately,

Even as the two met in person,

And me, with my own issues,

Including slowness to anger,

Not yet upset by the first,

While not yet knowing

The manipulation of the second.

 

Sometimes, the webs we weave

Aren't even conscious,

Whether they deceive others,

Ourselves,

Or both.

 

You both know

Who you are

If you were to choose to admit it,

Should you be faced with this.

 

More than a decade later,

I know not where one of them is,

In terms of self or psyche.

The other claims

Depths of spiritual enlightenment;

If so, that too could be tested.

 

Humaste

To all three of us;

Per the Buddha,

I start with myself.

When "I don't care" hides that I really do

Often, "I don't care" hides that I DO care and am worried about emotional attachment.

I may say "I don't care" if supervisors are worried about my internet usage, but really I am worried about that, and trying to hide my worry, or control anxiety levels or something.

I may say "I don't care" about my current life feeling kind of boring, but really, I do care, but feel frustrated at not being able to do more about it, or at least thinking I can't.

I may say "I don't care" about another person liking me, but really, I do care, but am not sure how I want to respond, whether it's due to old trust issues or something else.

In short, "I don't care" is a defense mechanism.

It's old. It's learned from a childhood of seeing people often either not care, or pretend to care for ulterior motives.

Caring, even about my own inner emotions, is scary.

A bit of regret? Sure. But only a small bit. The search firm head tried to lay it on me about the money I would be missing, how my priorities were wrong, how that had influenced his company's attempts to help me in the past, etc. (I have no idea if that last part is true; the last time I had an initial interview with one of his clients, I thought it went well, and that he then tried to "force" them on their decision-making process. But, that's another story.)

He knows that, in general, I'm more OK with a smaller town, especially a more remote one, if it's either in a more liberal part of the country, or maybe, a warmer-weather one, if it's not quite so isolated. I've specifically asked him, before, if he had California jobs.

He then asked "where my aggressiveness was." I'll admit, I'm not "Mr. Type A. May never be. I'll admit I could maybe have a bit more at times.

But, overall, I don't like being guilt-tripped, OR anxiety-tripped about how the city/newspaper/company where I work now isn't so good. I don't like that and not being listened to. Especially when I don't always even listen to myself perfectly.

Holidays not so helpful

I came (to Big Bend National Park to get out of the apartment in Odessa I still refuse to call home, since I had belated Thanksgiving holiday days to burn).

I saw (I was more burned out on Big Bend than before, in particular, and on desert hiking in general, for whatever reasons).

I conquered (nothing, even with primal screaming f-bombs to echo off canyon walls, and even briefly entertaining thoughts of throwing my cell phone against one of those walls, or my camera bag off a bridge, since I couldn’t or wouldn’t let go of my anxieties and other issues enough.)

White lies aren’t always so “white” – to ourselves

For example, telling people in this conservative, inward-turned small town and county where I now, half-forced, live, that “I’m OK” when they ask is a white lie. To them.

I’m not hurting any of them by it. And, unfortunately, my job as a community newspaper editor probably requires it.

But, I don’t honestly feel I can tell people that sometimes I hurt like hell. I don’t trust.

I don’t trust them to understand me; I don’t trust them to not generalize beyond my hurting to take offense and umbrage on behalf of their city and county; I don’t trust them to listen to me, even if I don’t understand; I don’t trust them not to offer “solutions” that aren’t solutions for me, such as invitations to their churches, etc.

So, I hurt. Politically-oriented friends in College Station, some of whom are some kind of personal friends/acquaintances, help. But sometimes, College Station seems like the far side of the moon.

“I’m OK” is a non-white lie to me, when I’m not “OK.”

Virginia Satir: “I am Me” (and I’m OK)

Not sure I’ve read this before; certainly, if I have, it’s been a decade?

“I Am Me,” by Virginia Satir

In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.

Therefore everything that comes out of me is
authentically mine because I alone choose it.

I own everything about me…
my body, including everything it does;
my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes, including the images of all they behold;
my feelings, whatever they may be...
anger,
joy,
frustration,
love,
disappointment,
excitement;
my mouth, and all the words that come out of it
polite,
sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice, loud or soft;
and all my actions, whether they be to others
or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me
I can become intimately acquainted with me.

By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best
interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to
the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound,
whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me.

This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded,
what I said and did,
and how I thought and felt,
some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting,
and keep that which proved fitting,
and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to
be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world
of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and

I am okay.