Why can't I? ...

Why can't I make myself psychotic to escape from life?

Why can't I have, or make myself have, an amnesiac fugue state to escape?

I feel like I am "cursed by rationality."

And, yes, I have wished for both of these things before.

The amnesiac fugue state sounds better. "Wake up" in a new place, with a new persona, and upward.

Sometimes, a door closes, and that's it

There is no metaphorical window opening somewhere else.

There is now New Agey, activist and benevolent universe lending a helping hand.

Sometimes, a door closes, and that's it.

There are no New Agey "lessons" to be learned, either, about why that door closed.

The only "lesson" is a simple, psychological one: acceptance.

The door has closed, and is now sealed shut. I can't change it. Therefore I need to move on.

And, I need to stop expecting a window to magically open.

Instead, I must, as a normal human being, be looking for a new door, or whatever, that I can get to myself, to walk through it if it's open, or to figure out how to open it — if possible — if it's currently closed.

And, the sooner I accept that a door is closed is the sooner I can work on this.

Oh, it would be nice if a window magically opened.

It would also be nice if I won the lottery, if America has a 30-hour work week, and all sorts of other stuff.

But, that's not happening.

==

Personally, I am at the point of accepting a certain doorway is closing more now. And, if this doesn't inspire immediate change, getting closer and closer to the Social Security finish line will.

A man child

THE MAN-CHILD LIVES

I feel like a man-child

Wandering in a digital cybersea

Still a naïf about so much in life

And, because of that, and because of why that is,

Still wary, still cautious, still guarded.

While human nature is malleable,

Nonetheless, like crude stell on anvil forge,

It becomes brittle with too much beating.

And so, I am guarded, and wary of situations,

As well as people;

Opportunities though such challenges may be.

How many others, like me,

Were made old souls, more than born,

From premature aging

Or premature beating on unforgiving anvils?

Bunting vs. swinging away: A life in baseball cards

I recently got done reading "Cardboard Gods" by Josh Wilker. He's about 4-5 years younger than me. He pens a memoir of childhood and early adulthood based on different baseball cards from his childhood. It's an interesting concept, though the book could be even more deeply biographical than it is.

Anyway, Wilker played Little League, albeit not very well by his own admission, through his childhood. In the last game of his last year, in Babe Ruth-level play, the manager on two separate at bats gave him a bunt sign. Wilker followed through the first time, and said he could accept it, but the second time, saw no strategic reason for it, and so he swung away.

An interesting thought. Bunting, even for a base hit rather than a sacrifice, is a "safe" move, versus swinging away. It's a metaphor for life that I'll hold on to for a bit longer. This is about "security."

I first thought of the jobs world, but, unless one is a deliberate risk-taker, "bunting" is wise right now. But, other issues? Hmmm ...

The Donner Party, struggle and motivation

California was a land of lore and lure even before John Marshall found gold traces in 1848.

Farming, ranching, mild climate and vast unclaimed, untamed acres all called across the Sierras to Americans, even before the land had been wrested from Mexico.
Among those listening?

Jacob Breen and family. George Keseberg. And, the eponymous Donner family.

Unlike the Founding Fathers, these people had no fortunes to give. But they did give most of what money they had to make the trip. And, they certainly, in cases such as Jacob Breen, had honor, whether sacred or not, to pledge to their fellow travelers.
While on vacation recently, I visited some Donner Party sites. Though I had driven I-80 before through the area, I had never gotten off the freeway at the Donner State Party site. And, since I had come from the north, on a California state highway site, about 7-8 miles north of the interstate, I saw the Donner Meadows, where the Donners themselves wintered in 1846-47.

I asked myself, rhetorically, what would I be willing to do to get to California today? How much work would I be willing to expend? How much of my current “baggage” would I be willing to discard? What is my goal in getting to California — am I moving to something or just away from something?

I haven’t pondered those questions too much yet. Maybe I’m deliberately avoiding them a little bit. Maybe, like many other things in life, I want a surer goal before committing to them more.

That said, let me look at the Donners more. Yes, they knew about California the potential agricultural paradise. But, gold had not yet been discovered. They were simply looking for a better life, not to get rich.

Beyond that, how much am I willing to surrender of my old self for change today, in general? As I get older, do I get more attached to what I already have? Less willing to take risks?

How much is pain in my current life, combined with hope for the future, going to be a motivator?
And, by the time I had gotten back home, or soon afterward, I had at least one additional question for myself.

Is the desire to move to California a search for a “geographic cure” for issues that need help in other ways?

All good questions. To some of them, I don’t yet consciously know the answers, though I may have partial answers in my subconscious. Others I can answer more fully right now.

As for a geographic cure? No. I’ve been interested in moving to California for years.
As for pain as a motivator? It may continue to grow, and maybe I need that.

And, “surrender,” or another term? How much am I willing to let go of old attachments, such as what job or career path I should or should not follow, how much anxiety I can tolerate in daily life and more? At least at the conscious level, I don’t have answers here, though I suspect that I have more letting go to do — letting go of preconceptions about myself, letting go of attachments to old emotional patters, and things like that.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donner_party