Dissociation and self-dissociation

I just realized, as part of some sentence-completion journaling earlier today, that dissociation is the flip side of consciousness or awareness. If the lack of awareness is deep enough, especially if at some unconscious level, this is being deliberately driven, I think — no, I feel — this is true.

And, if my lack of self-awareness is that deep, and is deliberate in some way? Then “I” must be self-dissociating in some way.

And, the more the bigger shocks, and the smaller nicks and cuts and water dribbles hit me, the more I realize that this is what I have been doing all these years.

I also realize that I have been, indeed, confusing or fusing anger with anxiety as part of this.