Well, it is now two weeks since I moved to Odessa, Texas, 350 miles west from Dallas, to take a job on the copy desk of the Odessa American, a seven-day daily.
The political atmosphere here is not my cup of tea, and, if I had had to move out here, I wish at least it would be on the Midland side, with a touch more in the way of culture, shopping, etc. But, it's not.
I got a congratulations today on my one sobriety e-mail list about my resilience.
Is it resilience, or a side effect/flip side of the coin "gift" of dissociation, at least in part? I think it's the latter, as I still feel like I sleepwalk through life at times, and this is one of them.
Yes, this "resilience" by another name may be helping me right now. But, its original cause wasn't worth the price; even without that original cause, being this dissociative probably isn't worth it, overall.
That said, at least it's not the dissociation level of a decade ago.
Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Appearances of control, lack of control
“Control” is a huge issue in recovery, above all for sexual abuse survivors. I’ve seen many survivors, once they start to recognize their histories, talk about how much they attempted to be in “control.”
For me, I believe dissociation was “control” by other means. I simply shrank my world enough to have a slice I thought I could control.
But, both I and they were deceiving ourselves.
With full-blown “control” efforts, the energy one needs to invest, in ever-increasing quantities, becomes prohibitive, short of a nervous breakdown.
And, short of dissociative identity disorder (formerly called “multiple personality disorder”), the same is true for dissociation efforts, I believe.
For me, I believe dissociation was “control” by other means. I simply shrank my world enough to have a slice I thought I could control.
But, both I and they were deceiving ourselves.
With full-blown “control” efforts, the energy one needs to invest, in ever-increasing quantities, becomes prohibitive, short of a nervous breakdown.
And, short of dissociative identity disorder (formerly called “multiple personality disorder”), the same is true for dissociation efforts, I believe.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Dissociation and self-dissociation
I just realized, as part of some sentence-completion journaling earlier today, that dissociation is the flip side of consciousness or awareness. If the lack of awareness is deep enough, especially if at some unconscious level, this is being deliberately driven, I think — no, I feel — this is true.
And, if my lack of self-awareness is that deep, and is deliberate in some way? Then “I” must be self-dissociating in some way.
And, the more the bigger shocks, and the smaller nicks and cuts and water dribbles hit me, the more I realize that this is what I have been doing all these years.
I also realize that I have been, indeed, confusing or fusing anger with anxiety as part of this.
And, if my lack of self-awareness is that deep, and is deliberate in some way? Then “I” must be self-dissociating in some way.
And, the more the bigger shocks, and the smaller nicks and cuts and water dribbles hit me, the more I realize that this is what I have been doing all these years.
I also realize that I have been, indeed, confusing or fusing anger with anxiety as part of this.
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