Loneliness vs. aloneness, “black holes” and “beasts” of drinking life, etc.

I never really felt any of this a lot when I was in my drinking life. Oh, sure, a couple of times in college, for example, walking through the small town it was in, I’d look at people’s lit front windows at night, and wonder just what they were feeling inside their boxes. But, I never attributed that to loneliness, let alone any “black hole” of the existential self.

At the same time, and not meaning to boast, quitting drinking seemed relatively easy. I found a new job after having been fired the month before I quit (for other reasons). My office manager who had shamelessly flirted with me was now my former office manager.

In short, I had what AA calls a pink cloud. I didn’t have a “beast,” either.

But, especially with the PTSD-type shock of being downsized out of a job, moving from metro Dallas to highly conservative BFE, and more, plus deliberately journaling to delve deeper into feelings of the past, I have felt all of this in spades.

The “black hole” already goes back to the age of 8, if not earlier, for a variety of childhood abuses, followed by my first drunk.

The loneliness? Well, when you get drunk at 10… or when you try to kill yourself at 10, your mom helps stop it, and nothing is done after that, is pretty effing obvious and incredibly deep. It wasn’t until the PTSD eggshell-shattering that I have REALLY felt it. Before, it was always just “aloneness.”

The “beast”? Well, AA, counselors, and wise people in secular recovery are right that sometimes other “issues” of behavior or whatever can arise after we quit drinking. (In fact, when I hear some people in sobriety recovery say, “We got drunk because we drank,” I first of all feel like they’re attacking or putting down my experiences. I then start to wonder [and yes, this sounds AA-ish] if they’re not in denial about something.)

So, that’s why I’ve become more active in sobriety chats again. I am not the happiest camper in the world.

And, I hope that I can show more empathy to others because of this. That’s part of the growth I want.