Cur alii, non alii?

The old question, "why some, not others?" first raised in medieval Latin Christianity about why are some saved and others not, whether looking on the human side at acts of repentance and belief, or later in Calvinism, at the divine choices in predestination, has long been a question in sobriety, for myself and many others.

Why do some "get it," and others don't? Even when things like child or adult traumas are controlled for, so that people of similar circumstances are being compared, it's clear that ... some get it, others don't.

In my secular sobriety, I was recently reminded of that, strongly.

A lady in an area where there is not face-to-face support had drifted away from activity in online support years ago. In fact, had had ebbs and flows of participation within her long-ago involvement.

Recently, she jumped back in. And, in her meatspace world, started looking at some personal and medical issues, and also signed up for some brief inpatient help plus intensive outpatient.

Less than three weeks later, at an old running buddy's ... she drank, and not just one beer/wine/mixed drink.

Can't tell you some of the other details to honor privacy, but I can talk about the general style I've seen in such cases.

After the relapse (too big to call it a "slip") the person then beats themself up. And invites others to do the same. The subconscious — maybe in some cases fully conscious — idea seems to be "I'll make myself look undeserving of sobriety."

Not only is the person letting an "out" form, subconsciously — or again, maybe fully consciously — they're actively helping create this out.

I don't condemn such people in public for several reasons, and I don't want to sound sanctimonious myself in saying that.

First, if I suspect this is what a person is doing? I'm playing their game in that case. And, in a public forum, rather than one-on-one, I'm playing their game in a way that others can hear and see me play, and thus might be tempted themselves.

Second, if this is not an active attempt to create an out, my jumping in might tempt that person.

Third, definitely, if it's not an active attempt on their part, my jumping in is not productive.

Fourth — to riff on Calvinism and double predestination? What if I am "back out" in the future? It leaves me in a place where I am thus less deserving of compassion myself.

At the same time, I could be — not so much tempted, but conscientiously challenged — to, without saying "Bullshit," say, "Hey, I think this is at least in your subconscious, something deliberate."

I haven't and I won't.

In my opinion, doing so at the time is almost certain to create nothing but a reactive, defensive response. Doing so later is likely to be unproductive if the incident is forgotten, or ... producing a reactive, defensive response if it's not.

To go further than AA, sobriety is about more than so-called "cash-register honesty," but in a specific way.

It's about self-honesty, and about the subconscious as well as conscious parts of ourselves.

Without practicing Buddhist mindfulness, let alone mindful meditation, we do need to work on sober self-awareness.