Family frustrations

First, let me say that this particular family member has been very supportive of many of my needs, including, years ago, coming to visit me when I was wigging out at a new job with some anxiety issues.

Second, I don't know if they're my one blog follower, but I'm going to write anyway.

The issue is that they went through almost all of the same family environment as I did. Perhaps less on some particular types of abuses, perhaps more on some, but, overall, about the same.

We all react differently to family-of-origin abuse, based on the degree to which we got different results in the genetic pool, on inheriting emotional tendencies and affects, etc., as well as pre-natal epigenetic tagging in the womb and more.

That's react differently both in how strongly react, and what specific reactions we have. That's part of the angle here.

For instance — and part of this may be general genetic or epigenetic heritability, and nothing to do with the abuse, but surely exacerbated by it — I am a BIG "space" person.

And this person knows that to some degree. Maybe they don't recognize just how deep it is, but they' know it to some degree.

That's why I get frustrated when, if they're traveling more than an hour or two straight, whether cross-regional, cross-state, or interstate, rather than turn on a radio station, or have some CDs in the car or whatever, they call me to be a boredom filler as much as anything. A mix of trivial, and rumination — rumination which I probably should "honor" more, yet, try to figure out more productive ways to both protect myself and prod them onward in growth as well as offering support — can run an hour. Or more. Like 90 minutes.

That leads to the bigger issue.

I'm not saying I was affected worse than them. Or that I was affected not as much as them.

That's not the issue.

The issue is that I still don't think they realize how much they were affected. They've gotten some help in the past. I think it's been more than surface-level help, but I'm not sure how much more than that it's been.

It's ultimately their problem.

But, not just their problem.

To the degree this leads them to want me to be some of the things above, it becomes my problem, especially as it interacts with my own "space" issues.

Yes, there are times where I can lament, a bit, being alone so often. And, there are even times when I feel lonely, and feel sad about feeling lonely.

BUT ... I'd like to, ideally, address that more on my own terms.

Some of that loneliness, like intimate relationship loneliness, may never be fixed that well. I know that, even as I lament it. I'm not "damaged goods," but I have had a damaged life. And, my current continuation of bouncing around small towns doesn't help.

But, ultimately, that issue and how I deal with it is mine. And, I've already recognized that, good intentions aside, actual help from elsewhere may not always be available.

Between all this, losing my current job with a company sale of my newspaper, but landing on me feet with another job from the old company and other things, I'm probably going to be a huge ball of stress off and on for a few months.

I'll deal with it the best I can ... and primarily looking to sobriety friends first, a couple of other friends after that, then family after that.