Relationships, women, a mom, childhood, emotions, sexuality

Aphrodite Matsakis’ “Trust after Trauma,” has some suggestions for pre-trauma relationships journaling.

Doing some of that made me recognize that mom’s relationship to me pre-toddler and toddler age was just the opposite it is for most mothers and young children. Usually, until the “terrible 2s,” it’s the child that has problems recognizing the mother as a separate person. With mom, I think she had trouble fully recognizing me a separate person. Some of her infantilizing, calling me her “round browns,” about my eyes, years, no, a decade or more later, reflects that. Combine that with her emotional absence/distancing, even neglect. Add on to that her once or twice leaving the main bathroom less than fully clothed well before I was in puberty, telling people, “don’t look,” plus Tim at least, and maybe Walt, trying to look in the bathroom, pushing me in there once or twice, then later, her keeping the bathroom door partway open at times while not fully clothed, and it’s probably no wonder that, beyond the primary sexual abuse I suffered in childhood, I have such problems with trying to get into a relationship. I’ve got about half a dozen unconscious to semi-conscious, though becoming more conscious, levers that kick in when I get interested in a woman. Now, not all may kick in at the same time, or to the same degree, but, they’re all there. Combine that with dad’s sexual put-downs, and I’ve had a lot to overcome.

Maybe this part of me isn’t a 4, overall, on a 1-10 scale. But, compared to where I was a decade ago, before I quit drinking? It’s at least a 2.5, or a 3.

Yes, the past is past. To the degree I am, or can become, psychologically capable of living in today, rather than yesterday (or tomorrow), fretting over the past won’t help me.

But, learning more just how much the past has affected me, so I know where I need to look at and work on myself today, CAN.