Like a bum tooth with semi-numb roots

On vacation now, and while it's been refreshing overall (I think), it's not been "perfect."

It got off to a bad start, which added to my nerves. Plus, I was so anxious to just get out of Dodge after four full years without a full week's vacation, or without a lot of vacation, period, that I didn't do a lot of planning.

I'm not anal about things like that, but having some sort of structure helps. Just tonight, trying to cut timelines too tight, between fixation over vacation Starbucks visits and going to a New Mex-Mex restaurant in Denver I'd been to before exacerbated this feeling.

The stress of moving has done that. So has visiting my brother who just lost his wife, and realizing there's little I have in common with him as far as interests, not much more on personality, and not a lot more yet on deeper psyche.

The stress of a cell phone whose provider doesn't work at my new city, which has apparently cost me a shot for an initial interview for a non-newspaper job in a non-Texas state probably is there in the background, too.

And, wondering if I'm spending too much time on the Net on vacation may be a bit of it.

I probably didn't have much of a shot at the other job. But it was a bit of a political idealism job, and they showed interest in me, coming from a different background.

Part of it?

The new job that I do have is, if not a forced move, then a semi-forced one. As have been all my newspaper job changes for six years now.

Yes, it's "nice" that I'm flexible, travel light and move easily, etc.

It would be nicer yet if I had similar skill levels in transitioning to new lines of work. So far, though, no soap.

I think it's in part a confidence level, and that's something I wasn't born with a lot of, wasn't supported in developing more of, and even had a lot of it pushed and drained out of me. The "flexible" is a resilience issue, learned in large part from the slings and arrows of a less than happy childhood, either from being "encouraged" to prop up others, being called an idiot myself, or simply abused in various ways, which prevents a child from developing a lot of confidence, while forcing him or her to develop resilience to stay sane.

I'm not getting younger on career change options, and I should have told the other person to call me at my new office number; a time zone difference would have made that OK.

As it is, the semi-forced move was the best available option in a non-libertarian, non-New Agey, non-success gospel way.