Loneliness, with a touch of anger

Occasionally, I get pangs of loneliness. I realize now how much I hid my own loneliness from myself as a kid. In some cases, it's almost as if the whole emotion was suppressed in a quasi-Freudian way. In other cases, it's like it was nearer the surface of consciousness and I didn't quite beat it down without the help of alcohol or other things.

I don't know how much of this is natural avoidance due to gene-based anxiety tendencies, how much of it was lack of family emotional interaction (at least "good" emotions), how much of it was noncommittalness in attempts to avoid put-downs, let-downs and rejections both inside and outside of the family, how much of it was due to abuse, or what.

But, I walled off a lot, with a lot of layers. A few people recognize that; I've told more people. In any case, not just women are psychologically, or emotionally complex. And, at least in the U.S., men like me who can be that way at times are probably more puzzling than women.

I'm feeling both the loneliness and aloneness more at times now.

And, currently, feeling a touch of anger over issues partially related to that, and partially independent.

Holidays not so helpful

I came (to Big Bend National Park to get out of the apartment in Odessa I still refuse to call home, since I had belated Thanksgiving holiday days to burn).

I saw (I was more burned out on Big Bend than before, in particular, and on desert hiking in general, for whatever reasons).

I conquered (nothing, even with primal screaming f-bombs to echo off canyon walls, and even briefly entertaining thoughts of throwing my cell phone against one of those walls, or my camera bag off a bridge, since I couldn’t or wouldn’t let go of my anxieties and other issues enough.)