Friends, online interaction and more

I've had some more "learning experiences" recently. Without naming names, or other things, I've learned that:

1. At least one theoretically enlightened person from theoretically enlightened San Francisco is either clueless enough, or else morally repugnant enough while being hung up on herself enough, to either actually believe that sexual abuse makes boys become gay men, or else to want to believe that when a man doesn't come on to her. This woman never considered the fact that a man might see what seemed like clear "control" techniques coming out of her.

1A. She appears to be less than enlightened about gay issues in general. She says I might be gay, beyond her belief that her charms weren't enough to allegedly "convert" me, in a sense that being gay is "less than." Again, someone theoretically enlightened from a theoretically enlightened bastion of liberalism.

2. That even a few, or several, months of knowing someone purely from online interactions, is not to know too much.

I won't say more, though I could say a lot more.

I am keeping this person's e-mail, though. And, not even putting it in a separate folder. I'm keeping it in my inbox. Not to stew on it, but as a reminder.

Not just a reminder to be more careful about online trust, but, as a reminder to continue my personal growth, including to be even more aware of other people's personalities.

As for this person? Beyond anger, I felt disgust.

Beyond that, though?

Without wanting to sound condescending, I feel sad for her. In my honest opinion, every personality diagnosis she made of me in that e-mail could, in my opinion, be made of her. But, part of me doesn't even care. I am safe. What she said can't harm me.

As for the gay comments, ultimately, if I am correct about where they come from in her belief system, here, I'm back to disgust and anger, because that's insulting to countless thousands of gay men who were sexually abused as boys and who weren't "made" gay by the abuse.

I have seen grown men crying, accepting in their heads but not their hearts, that they are gay, and wondering if the abuse "made them that way." This woman's e-mail to me was not (just) an assault on me but on all these men and countless others.

And, as for control issues? Even after our friendship, or what had seemed friendship, had started drifting, for her to ask if I would visit her while on vacation in California this summer seems to me to show that she's lying even to herself.

Online friends, complications, distancing and loss

The last time I blogged here, it was about "fallout" from some changes in an online sobriety support chat room where I've had various degrees of activity for several years.

Looks like another friend may be lost due to that — although I had multiple observations about this person even before the dust-up, to be honest.

Anyway, it looks like a friendship with XXX really is on ice. Friday morning, I noticed AAA and BBB had both friended XXX on Facebook, even though heshe had said in the past s/he didn’t do that. So, I sent himer a friend request query, noting himer's former policy and asking if s/he had possibly changed it, especially not being in the chat so much now, without saying I had noticed s/he had friended others.

The answer would appear to be a definite no. First, XXX appears in chat Friday night with a bit of “sniping,” and, while none of it was directly focused at me, heshe didn’t go out of her way to be friendly, either.

Then, looking at FB later, I noticed that, while in chat or about that time, s/he friended Kathy B. But not me.

Some part of me WANTS revenge, or grudge-holding. Another part says, detach. A third part (that’s why there’s never just two sides to anything) says I want confrontation, but not (necessarily) grudge-holding. I’m a bit sad. I’m a bit angry.

I don’t want to be too much more of either. Well, even that isn’t entirely true. Some part of me wants to wallow. But not a lot. Some part of me wants to blow up. Some part of me wants to be snide, or "sniping," back.

Update, April 13: Call it a bit of spite, a bit of revenge, a bit of righteous and/or non-righteous anger, a bit of pride, or a mix of several or all of the above...

But, I found out today, after checking (and it makes sense) that one can withdraw, retract Facebook friending requests. And I have done so.

Sobriety groups, friends, friends possibly lost, and more

A "dust-up" has occurred in the last 4-5 days in the chat room for my primary source of sobriety support. At least one person has been banned, for good reason, one for a reason I'm not sure about but I don't have time to track down every bit of information myself, and a couple of others are staying away most of the time now.

One person that was banned could relatively easily get back in, but the more this person rages against the machine, the more crow there is that will eventually need to be eaten for re-admission.

The sad part is that I considered this person, and one person who is staying away, to be online friends, not just acquaintances, and was hoping to meet in person the one who is staying away, the next time I vacationed in California.

But, both of them are likely lessened in their friendship for me. And, since friendship is a two-way street, my friendship for them will probably lessen, too. I don't actively want it to, but if I have less contact with them, that will be the result.

The others that I know have been banned? One, sadly, needed it, and probably needs some sort of professional help. The second? Someone who could be a nice guy, and a friend to people, even, but often chose to be an instigator of unnecessarily attacking people. And, if he had any "issues" behind that, he wouldn't talk.

Contra Rodney King, no we can't all get along.

And, as I told one of the people above, "I don't 'chase.'"