Ready for new growth at 50

A long-time sobriety friend of mine recently sent me a long email in response to one of mine. She talked about second winds of personal growth, often years after the first one. (She, too, is a "survivor.")

It sounds a bit new agey at times, but she talked about "saying yes" to more things in life as part of "letting go." I could stand some additional inner change, and inner steel. And, I wouldn't mind better outside "scenery" while I'm at it.

Worrying over finances at two struggling small newspapers, in a part of the world where I don't want to live, doesn't help a lot.

And, I know I've got issues inside, still.

Brother No. 3 recently wrote talking about his own anxiety issues over the years. I partially empathize, but partially not. In his own way, he's never taken more responsibility than Brother No. 1, even if not arrogant about it, and even if sinned against as well as sinning.

Speaking of, I cried when one of the survivors was talking during the "Secrets of the Vatican" on PBS tonight. I probably have more tears yet inside of me, somewhere. I'm realizing more and more the depth of problems in my family and, going back generations, while I know a fair amount about multi-generational problems on my dad's side of the family, suspect that not all of my mom's adult problems, or close, can be pinned solely on problems with her relationship to dad.

I would so love to curl up in a ball at times.

Meanwhile, part of me is glad that I stayed by my internal childhood vow to myself, with an intuition of an "old soul," not to marry. I didn't "pass on" anything to kids. Nor to a spouse. Nor did I leave myself open to manipulation by one.