Boundaries and others, growth and relationships

I've upset someone. I've more than just "upset" this person; they are angry/sad, and say they have lost trust in me.

Then, after being chewed out strongly, very strongly, over this ... I argued back.

I'll admit (as this person said) that I "fired back" in part out of defensiveness. Entirely so, though? No.

I raised some real issues, which I had been holding on to for a while, and said I had some real anger myself.

Relationships are real ... and I hate using the word "practice" as part of growth.

At the same time, this person knows I have trouble expressing anger, especially.

Anyway, I have apologized since then. And, said I'd like to talk more about the emotions I triggered, and some fears this person has related to that. Right now, though, I appear to be getting the cold shoulder.

At the same time, this person has heard me say, and I believe more than once, "I don't play games, and I don't chase." I have dropped a follow-up "Hi, how are you e-mail," but, am not sure how much more I should say, and with what timing, without risk of violating what is a major boundary issue for me. I'm not sure what I should say without risk of being thought a game-player myself.

Life hurts at times, it is true.

Obviously, some ongoing patience here is part of the situation. But, when does patience become "drift"?

That said, back to revealing boundaries.

I know I absolutely stunned my dad when, after I had a bit of sobriety time, I told him, albeit by mail, not on the phone, let alone in person, how much I feared him as a child, just what was happening under his roof and nose in terms of sexual abuse and other things, and more. "Passive, pliable Steve" suddenly had a bit of backbone and a bit of self.

Throwing out the defensiveness/attacking part of my response to my friend, I do wonder if there's a bit of shock with this person, too. And, beyond that, how much we may be able to talk about these issues without a fair amount of time-water under the bridge, for a number of reasons.

I still don't know that one, either. But, an intuitive suspicion says it could be some time ... and I'm talking months, not weeks. And, that assumes this person will want to talk to me on that level at that time.

Meanwhile, back on "my side of the street." Part of my is sad, part is lonely, part is anxious, part is frustrated, part is a bit apathetic or "drifting" already. Because I've been single all my life, and not just in the sense of "unmarried," but without much real, longer-term relationships, and careful with close friends of either sex, it's kind of "easy" for me to drift like that.

That said, is my not wanting to "chase," and not telling more about my feelings as part of that, itself a form of games-playing? It's complicated.